A Challenge

Do you remember the movie "Roxanne?" It stars Steve Martin as a fire chief with an extraordinarily large nose. There is a scene in the film, in which a guy in a bar insults Martin by calling him "Big Nose." Steve, of course, is offended ... that his attacker wasted such a wonderful opportunity with this lame and wholly uncreative slur. He says that he can think of something better, which he does. 20 somethings better, in fact, including: "You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on" and "would you mind not bobbing your head, the orchestra keeps changing tempo." If you want to see the clip and hear the other 18 somethings better, here is the You Tube link.

Does this cinematic reference seem obscure and totally unrelated to cancer? Well, it isn't. Here's why: I, too, have an unfortunately large body part (and no, it's not my boobs. Those are quite pleasantly large, thank you.) It's my squishy belly ... well, and my butt and thighs. Now, I'm not talking about a little too many mini donuts at the State Fair. I'm talking about 10 pounds of excess Liz in the very parts that I want to be thin. It's menopause. I know it, because one of the symptoms is "loss of waist." Super. But, I don't want to lose my waist. As a matter of fact, I like it. I'd like to retain my waist and maybe put the extra pounds in my biceps and calf muscles. But, that isn't what God had in mind for me. I just keep gaining and my pants keep not fitting and then I get depressed and keep wanting a glass of wine to feel better, but then I remember that wine will only make my pants tighter, so I have water. (This is a very disconcerting phenomenon.)

So, cheer me up, why don't you. I'm bulgy and I'm turning into a pear. These are not happy occurrences. Let's think of a few "somethings better" about my unstoppable weight gain. I'll get you started:

• With the hot flashes and the extra pounds, I won't need to buy any sweaters this winter. Instead, I can save that money and use it to buy carrots and rice cakes.
• Denim leggings are in vogue this year, which is lucky, because all of my jeans look like they've shrunk a couple of sizes ... well, the ones I can still zip.

Okay, what have you got?

Seriously, I need a good laugh.

Honestly. If I don't get any witty comments, I'm going to have to assume that you are all embarrassed by my girth and are too shy to mention it. And, then, I'll be sad ... and mad ... and not at all glad. Do you want to be responsible for that?