A Challenge
Do you remember the movie "Roxanne?" It stars Steve Martin as a fire chief with an extraordinarily large nose. There is a scene in the film, in which a guy in a bar insults Martin by calling him "Big Nose." Steve, of course, is offended ... that his attacker wasted such a wonderful opportunity with this lame and wholly uncreative slur. He says that he can think of something better, which he does. 20 somethings better, in fact, including: "You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on" and "would you mind not bobbing your head, the orchestra keeps changing tempo." If you want to see the clip and hear the other 18 somethings better, here is the You Tube link.
Does this cinematic reference seem obscure and totally unrelated to cancer? Well, it isn't. Here's why: I, too, have an unfortunately large body part (and no, it's not my boobs. Those are quite pleasantly large, thank you.) It's my squishy belly ... well, and my butt and thighs. Now, I'm not talking about a little too many mini donuts at the State Fair. I'm talking about 10 pounds of excess Liz in the very parts that I want to be thin. It's menopause. I know it, because one of the symptoms is "loss of waist." Super. But, I don't want to lose my waist. As a matter of fact, I like it. I'd like to retain my waist and maybe put the extra pounds in my biceps and calf muscles. But, that isn't what God had in mind for me. I just keep gaining and my pants keep not fitting and then I get depressed and keep wanting a glass of wine to feel better, but then I remember that wine will only make my pants tighter, so I have water. (This is a very disconcerting phenomenon.)
So, cheer me up, why don't you. I'm bulgy and I'm turning into a pear. These are not happy occurrences. Let's think of a few "somethings better" about my unstoppable weight gain. I'll get you started:
- With the hot flashes and the extra pounds, I won't need to buy any sweaters this winter. Instead, I can save that money and use it to buy carrots and rice cakes.
- Denim leggings are in vogue this year, which is lucky, because all of my jeans look like they've shrunk a couple of sizes ... well, the ones I can still zip.
Okay, what have you got?
Seriously, I need a good laugh.
Honestly. If I don't get any witty comments, I'm going to have to assume that you are all embarrassed by my girth and are too shy to mention it. And, then, I'll be sad ... and mad ... and not at all glad. Do you want to be responsible for that?
6 comments:
Ok, I will start with a "lame" one...not sure if it "fits" your cirteria...but...it goes...
A father takes his 10 year old son into a fancy restaurant and was suprised to hear him oder the usual hamburger. The father said, "Try something different and unusual". To which the boy replied, "I am," he whispered. "I've never had a ten dollar hamburger before".
or,
Man: There's a splinter in my cottage cheese!
Waiter: What do you expect for 55 cents....the whole cottage?
Ok, back to work.
I'm with Seamus in the Hewitt post. I think you and Laila (and Owen, I added that last one myself) are tiny and cute.
But let me see...
Hot flashes ARE good for keeping that cup of Caribou warm, just place it on your head and try to hold a bit still.
Also, if your hot flashes get worse, you will sweat all night and perhaps even all day and lose many pounds...
Oh and wine is not fattening at all it counts as a fruit and will also make you warm, thus hot flashier and voila more weight loss.
Or I love you sooooo much I could squeeeeeze you and the exra pounds will shoot out your ears.
OK, back on the treadmill, break is over.
Love,mom
Pears are one of my favorite fruits.
Less stuffing for that Mrs. Claus suit? So glad you're well, ten extra pounds and all.
OK. So yesterday I wrote a long comment that got deleted when I was signed in under James's name. GRRRRR blogspot.
Anyway, you look fabulous. Cram it. Maybe you're looking at this from the wrong direction - uber skinny Liz couldn't possibly have enough energy to be working, mothering and married to a PITA like Scott. With all you've got going, you need some extra pockets of energy. I'm sure some scientist could back me up.
You just never know when you're going to have to grab a rope and pull your car and the kids out of a snow bank or when you have to throw Scott over your shoulder after he has passed out in the yard again.
I like my few extra pounds - I use it mostly to hip-check the skinny mom's at school and basically remind any of the light weights at the gym to give me plenty of space.
;)
Give yourself a break, sweetheart, you are a perfectly sized, perfectly beautiful hero. That's more than enough.
Love you.
A
(I should get bonus points for mocking Scott)
Here's a couple of slightly tasteless but funny.
1) Who needs heated car seats in the winter with all the heat my new thighs and butt are putting out?
2) Size 1 jeans? Have a sandwich you walking clothes hangers.
3) Baby Got Back is my new theme song.
4)Now I know what all those construction workers were always whistling at.
Hope it helps.
M. Arriola
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