I'm healthy ... and I'm kind of displeased about it. Strange, right? It's not that I want to go another round with cancer, but I feel very ill at ease. The recent bloodwork shows that-among all of the other numbers-there is actually a decrease in my tumor marker. This is good news; it's just not as good as I thought.
I was under the misconception that the tumor marker was a definitive test. I thought that it was sort of like a cancer screen. You know, if the number doesn't spike, then you're healthy. Just to confirm this theory, I asked my oncologist as he was breezing out the door:
ME: "So, what we're looking for as a red flag is the tumor marker, right?"
HIM: "Well, not exactly. Your tumor marker is at 18, which is great. But, it could be 4 and you could have cancer. Usually, it spikes when there is a recurrence, but not always."
ME: "Then, how do we know that I'm healthy?"
HIM: "It's a combination of your symptoms, your blood work and your scans. There is no blood test that will tell us for sure, but the CA 27-29 is the closest that we have."
ME: "Okay. When do I have another PET scan?"
HIM: "We will do another one in a year. Seventy percent of people who develop cancer again do so within the first two years. You're almost to one year, so you can feel happy about that."
ME: Disappointed and sad ... which is the opposite of happy.
If there were something wrong, we could act on it. We could put together a plan and fight. But there isn't anything wrong ... that we have found. As you may recall, it took six months to diagnose the cancer the first time, and then there was uncertainty about the margins after the surgery.
So, I'm not super hip on waiting and hoping. I don't like hoping. I'm an analytical, left-brained person. I like knowing. And what I would like to know is that I can breathe a sigh of relief. I would like to be able to do some sort of procedure that would produce concrete, irrefutable evidence that there is no cancer in this body ... and I would like to do that test every week.
7 comments:
I think the worst thing for people like you (and me) is that you will never truly know. But hopefully, at some point, you will find more peace.
We love you. We're still praying for you, still thinking about you.
I think the fear of cancer is a pretty powerful thing - but in the end - it is just a fear. You are so much bigger than that - I know it.
Sorry that this still all sucks - but we're still here for you. You don't have to be sick to still need support - its ok that the aftermath is scary. Nobody is going anywhere.
A
I also wish that there was a definite answer. But, like in the rest of life, you put your best effort forward and hope like hell for the awesome outcome.
I'm sorry you don't have the difinitive answer you want and need. I think of you and pray for you every day. I pray that you find comfort in all that you have overcome and the strength to keep fighting for the peace of mind that you deserve.
As Anne said...We are all still here for you and we aren't going anywhere.
MP
Liz - so sorry you didn't get all the answers you were looking for. My mother used to always tell me to "Let go and Let God" I used to hate her for this and its okay if you want to hate me for using it now. I have a hard time with this one myself and there have been several times in my life when people have told me that God has a plan. I've been know to think his plans sometimes suck and I don't like to have to be so strong.
Clearly you have proven yourself strong and you have an army of people behind you armed with their prayers and healing thoughts. It's okay to lean on them when you need a breather.
Hope you had a great trip!
Charlotte
Ditto to what Anne and MP said. Sending love and prayers for peace.
For all of us, today is a gift, tomorrow is a chance...with those we love each moment is a gift....We love today...and look forward without doubt.....you are awsome...
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