I Say:

The end.

Misery

I am unable to get comfortable.

I am unable to sleep ... even with a cocktail of Oxycodone and Ambien.

Strangely, the part of my body causing me the most pain is my back.  There was nothing done to my back today.  My beloved Scott has tried everything.  He has propped my arms and unpropped my arms.  He has tried a heating pad.  He placed a small pillow between my shoulder blades.  He has moved me from the chair to the bed to the couch and then back to the chair and back to the bed.  He even tried lying flat on the floor with his arms in different positions to see if he could make his back hurt, thus pinpointing a cause.  Nothing.

This same thing happened after we came home from mastectomy in that I could control the pain in my chest by holding still, but the way that I held still caused immense discomfort in my shoulders.

It's strange how the body works.

In another hour, I can take more pain meds.  I pray that they buy me a couple hours of rest.

I also pray that part of the problem is the ace bandage tightly wrapped around my torso.  It comes off tomorrow.

So sad.

Out of Surgery

Just a quick update for all you followers - Liz is out of surgery!  We spoke to the surgeon, and he said everything went great.  We will be in the recovery room for a few hours, but should be home by dinner time.  We will update you later tonight or tomorrow.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers today!

Back to the O.R.

I haven't talked about it much, but I'm having another surgery on Tuesday.  It is elective.  There has been no more cancer found.  But, I will be going back to the hospital for a procedure meant to correct some of the things that did not turn out aesthetically right the first time around.

Although I have chosen to have this surgery, I am terrified of Tuesday.  As you may recall, I have previously had four surgeries and four times, something went wrong.  (A few of those times, several somethings.)

I worry about:

• going under general anesthesia
• getting an infection
• needing another blood transfusion
• not healing properly and developing necrotic tissue
• being in pain
• being unable to care for myself
• the results of the surgery being disappointing
• the surgeon accidentally happening upon another, previously unnoticed, tumor
• my children 
• Scott trying to work while caring for an invalid wife
• depression

There are a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head.  Most of them are not pleasant.  

Please pray that it all goes well.

Why Must I Wear This?

Regardless of all of my experience as a patient, I fail to see how this garment is at all reasonable.

Almost all of my doctors have gone to these paper robes. I understand that, because of their compact storage size and disposability, they are convenient for the medical world, but really, I must protest.

They don't even go all the way down to my waist.

Even people with hot flashes don't want to sit in an examination room in a cropped pink paper towel.

It's inhumane.

Distraction

My therapist wants me to listen to cd books in the car to distract my brain from unpleasant thoughts. She says that many patients with post traumatic stress and depression find the symptoms to be exacerbated while driving. I guess it's because it's quiet and you have time to be alone with your psyche. It's true for me, at least.

So far, I have heard Angels and Demons as well as The Birth of Venus, which is one of my all time favorite books EVER!

When I go to the library, though, most of the cd titles are books that I've never heard and I have trouble choosing. So, I thought I would start requesting them from other libraries.

I need suggestions. What are your top three favorite books?