Things I Do Not Like - An Abbreviated List

1. Lying on my right side. The residual fluid makes me feel like I'm lying on a poorly deflated balloon ... or a big lump of silly putty. Either way, gross.
2. Trying to take a nap only to find out that my stupid brain won't shut the hell up!
3. Going to Victoria's Secret THREE TIMES only to discover that the bras they sold me all those times hurt and make enormous red marks all around my torso.
4. Giving up and going to Nordstroms to find bras. Finding them. Listening to the lady tell me that they will probably be covered by insurance. They aren't. Now, I have no bras.
5. Being a patchwork quilt.
6. When they have to go through three people to put in an IV.
7. When the nurses trying to put in my IV ask me if I'm well hydrated. I'm not. You told me not to eat or drink anything after midnight.
8. When the IV that is placed isn't quite far enough into the vein and a huge bubble of saline forms under the skin and later turns into a disgusting yellow bruise.
9. When the IV that was in fails to work and they send in someone in the middle of the night to replace it ... twice.
10. Hourly hospital vital checks.
11. My belly button. It hurts. My mom says I should stop putting knives in there. Im considering it.
12. When I get an itch on my back and go to scratch it only to remember that I can't feel that part of my back and so scratching it feels vaguely similar to rubbing it lightly with a cotton ball.
13. To regain the ability and clearance to lift, only to lose it again one week later.
14. Having this noticed by my darling son who looks at me with his adorably huge eyes and says: "Mommy, could you just carry me one time?"
15. The Subway Five Dollar Footlong commercial. (Really, it doesn't bother me so much, but I thought it would be funny to get it stuck in all of your heads. Was it?)
    five ... five dollar ... five dollar footlong ...
16. Spending the better part of the night rolling from one side to the other for no discernable reason.
17. This new rule about no soy. Oh, did I tell you I can't eat soy? I can't. It contains phytoestrogens, which is similar to estrogen, which can make my cancer happy. Did you know? Me either. Did you know how many foods contain soy? ... all of them.
18. Fatigue. Physically, I feel pretty good. My new incisions are bothersome, but not awful. But, I'm so darn tired. Yesterday, I had to turn down lunch - a real honest to goodness lunch out at a restaurant with normal, non-cancerous people, because I was too exhausted to do anything by noon. Really? TOO TIRED FOR LUNCH?! What has become of me?